JHENIFER PABILLANO

1. The Baby-sitters Club Series by Ann M. Martin
Goodbye club meetings! Stoneybrook parents won’t tolerate having just three half-hours a week to book a sitter by phone. Instead, Kristy creates online babysitter bookings and hires a Bangalore call centre to field any phone inquiries. Virtual assistants coordinate the sitters’ schedules in Google Calendar, and all club meetings would take place over Gchat. The babysitting diaries of course become a password-protected blog. Also: Kristy gets profiled in Inc., Jackie Rodowsky’s accidents become YouTube sensations, and Charlotte Johanssen gets cyberbullied (but learns a valuable lesson about online privacy and the nature of true friendship).

2. Flowers in the Attic by V.C. Andrews
Chris, Cathy, and their younger twin siblings disappear, but astute friends notice a lack of Facebook updates, text messages and Gchat conversations. A concerned message gets quickly retweeted and reposted throughout the social world: “Do you know where the Dollanganger Four are?” Soon, a Metafilter thread examining the issue leads to several parties digging up the Dollangangers’ twisted family history via online genealogical resources, and local authorities are swiftly dispatched to Foxworth Hall to retrieve the kids. Olivia, Corrine, and Bart Winslow are arrested, and Cathy and Chris give an exclusive interview follows with Anderson Cooper, tying into their soon-to-be released tell-all book. All the brother-on-sister action still happens though.

3. Jacob Have I Loved by Katherine Paterson
Living in the shadow of her beautiful twin Caroline, Louise Bradshaw takes to the internet and develops a devoted following by blogging about crabbing, cooking and rustic pursuits in Chesapeake Bay. Teen Vogue profiles her after she signs a book deal with HarperCollins: the article contains a small sidebar about her twin sister’s budding vocal career and jewelry line.

4. Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret by Judy Blume
Mostly the same except with more texting and Facebooking and the like. Also, Margaret spends a bunch of time discussing her conflicted search for religion in the message boards on the Teenage Softies website. A community manager dispenses ineffectual advice with lots of exclamation marks, and sends Margaret an online promo code to get a free trial pack of Softies, “for being such a great contributor!”

5. Ghostwriter - PBS TV show
Ghostwriter is totally obsolete: texting and instant messaging render his skills completely worthless. Lenni and Jamal still take to wearing pens on lanyards, however.

TV theme songs/openings I skip every time
5. Entourage (for that matter, I’ve skipped the last 4 seasons)
4. Game of Thrones (let’s get to the show already, although the maps are nice)
3. The West Wing (SO LONG)
2. The Wire (hear each variation once and then NEVER AGAIN)
1. Community (though I love it so)

TV theme songs/openings I always let play through
5. Burn Notice (My name is Michael Westen…)
4. Who’s the Boss
3. Gilmore Girls
2. 30 Rock
1. Parks and Recreation

Jack Donaghy has loved many women during his tenure at 30 Rock. Not all of them are created equal. Herewith is an ordered list from worst to first.

6. Elisa

There’s a saying about 30 Rock guest stars: the more famous they are, the crappier their appearance on the show. And too true here! Elisa should have worked—if you listen to the content of her lines, they’re all pretty hilarious—but there’s something about Salma Hayek’s slow-paced delivery that made everything unfunny. The most excruciating part was that they kept her on the show for so long.

5. Nancy Donovan

GAH at so many things. The terrible Boston accent! The jarring asides about children!

4. Phoebe

Ah Phoebe: she of the avian bone syndrome. So beautifully crazy. I really wished she could have stayed longer: all her double-dealing and psychosis could have added up to something great. Also we never did learn the mystery behind the crazy American accent that emerged when Phoebe got angry.

3. Bianca

Hair pulling; condescension; mastery of Donaghy-esque power moves. Plus: “Oh, dammit Johnny, you know I love my Big Beef and Cheddar!” Brilliant.

2. Celeste “CC” Cunningham

The forbidden fruit, CC was smart, morally upright, and had a tremendous backstory. Shot in the face by a dog! Plus the political conflict was fantastic. “She’s my liberal, hippy-dippy mama; my groovy chick; my old lady.”

1. Avery Jessup

Who knew that the best match for Jack would be MORE Jack? Avery’s like a younger, souped-up female version of our favourite GE vice-president, and like the iPad, the amped-up aggressive conservatism she brings to their relationship is both magical and revolutionary. It’s abominable that the show made Nancy Donaghy compete with her for Jack’s affections throughout season four. There was no competition! Avery Jessup and the Hot Box, all the way.

Side note: is it not strange that Jack Donaghy & Avery are now having a baby, which is essentially Liz Lemon’s dream?

1. Full disclosure: I love the Divine Miss M.
2. But seriously: what’s with the 80s and its general acceptance of age diversity? Bette Midler was 45 and Lily Tomlin was 49 by the time this movie debuted. Can you imagine any major studio today making a film where top billing goes to two middle-aged female comediennes? Without making a big deal about how the movie stars women over the age of 30 (cf. Sex and the City)?
3. And no, I’m not trying to say Big Business is a tour-de-force akin to Citizen Kane. Yeah, it’s deliciously dumb, with gratuitous scenes of Bette Midler yodelling, and even stars the grandpa from Gilmore Girls as a frou-frou gay man! But the movie wasn’t a total bomb and still made a reasonable amount, so it does show middle-aged funny ladies were never total box office poison, as many believe they are today.
4. Why isn’t Bette Midler in any movies lately? And why is Lily Tomlin so criminally underused these days?
5. Also: remember when carphones were new? Different time, the 80s.

1. Let’s just get this out of the way: this is an amazing, beautiful song.
2. This song was #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 in November 1987, when Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes are 47 and 41 respectively. Can you imagine anyone of that age making it to the top of the pop charts today? It sort of seems impossible.
3. As a follow-up: I was thinking maybe they’d have a shot at the adult contemporary charts today. But you know, a quick look at the #1s on the 2010 adult contemporary chart shows just four artists: Colbie Caillat, Taylor Swift, Michael Buble, and Train. On further investigation, the lead singer of Train is 41, but a quick look at the video for “Hey Soul Sister” prompts the observation that he’s not 41 in the same way Bill Medley and Jennifer Warnes are in their 40s in 1987. He’s more like an aging rocker in his mid-30s; they’re more like a suburban mom and dad karaoke-ing together. (Also, I can’t figure out why the song “Hey Soul Sister” made #1. It’s not unpleasant, just kind of mediocre. Or is that the definition of adult contemporary?)
4. However, maybe this is an unfair comparison. Bill & Jennifer may have likely rocketed onto the charts owing to the success of Dirty Dancing (cf. C. Dion, My Heart Will Go On.)
5. And finally: here’s Bill and Jennifer singing the song live on Top of the Pops. It sort of seems like “The Singing Bee” or any number of those singing reality TV shows, no? Let’s all appreciate Jennifer’s choice of a sensible skirt suit and tights for her show wardrobe, however. Different time, the 80s.